Please welcome our TV/Movie correspondent Mike Ransom for his first post, a running diary of last nights epic Jersey Shore Episode. Without further ado, here is Mike's Diary.
Running Diary of the Jersey Shore:
First off, we need to figure out why we watch the Jersey Shore, is it the most unintentionally funny thing most of us has ever seen, possibly. Does it make us feel better about our own lives, absolutely. Wait, they make how much money an episode? Now I just feel awful.
Secondly, why is this show still called the Jersey Shore? They need to come up with a more creative name, I also suggest that they name each episode, I would have called this one “Gorilla In the Mist” because Ronnie looked just like a silverback gorilla when he took his shirt off and started pacing around the house, debating on how much damage he needed to do to Sitch. I think he settled on somewhere between excessive and postal!
Min.
0:00- Ron and Sam are back together ( wonder how that’s gonna work out)
0:01- Deena rises from her previous nights escapades with her “totally trashed” sleeping mask, seems to sum up her previous nights pretty well
0:02- Sitch’s twinning was ruined by deena, he is clearly upset
0:03 Vinny describes being robbed by deena the previous night, he claims he was tag robbed
0:05 Sitch starts spreading rumors, as usual, he claims he needs to bring the truth because he is the peoples champ, I am not so sure. I have never see a more narcissitic insecure individual in my life, is it a bad thing that he makes me feel better about myself? I think I have a serious problem
0:06 The girs are walking around looking for a place to eat, snookie claims “I need to talk over a glass of wine” I’m fairly certain it was 9am when she said this
0:07 Jenni is wearing a hat that is approximately 35ft. in diameter
0:09 Snookie drops this bombshell, “I licked a nipple once” that pretty much speaks for itself
0:09 Vinny has this to say to Deena when she walks in the kitchen, “at least the carpets are clean” I thought they looked very nice as well.
0:09 Pauly follows with this clutch quote to Deena“common lesbihonest” I need to figure out a way to use this word more in during my everyday interactions
0:10 Deena fires back,” It was a good $*#)$*% time” Vinny jumps in with “this might be the best dinner of my life.” I couldn’t agree more
0:13 The girls decide to play “dress up” for dinner. They are all adults, keep that in mind. More importantly they are all wearing huge hats. J-Wooooooooooowwwww’s new hat is approximately 70ft. in diameter. Sammi makes a great choice to wear a smaller hat, so as to avoid getting the brunt of the jokes from the guys, veteran move by Sammi, maybe the best choice she has made in 4 seasons.
0:14 Sitch describes the girls outfit in an extremely sophisticated manner. “they looked like the Kentucky Derby *#)@%& the easter bunny” I don’t believe this is anatomically possible but, Sitch is the peoples champ, so he would know.
0:15 Mike tells Deena that he knows what she did the previous night, Deena quickly denies, and as this is happening Ronnie shoots her a look that clearly says “I’m not buying this”. Deena keeps explaining and the camera pans back to Ronnie, who is now staring straight ahead blankly, and cross eyed. He looks like he is staring into a magic eye painting . The ones that show the 3d image if you stare at them just right.
0:16 Mike explains that Deena “has a criminal record for rooster blocking and it is a serious offense, it will be on her record for 7 years” if that is true, (and I haven’t brushed up on crime sentencing lately) then Mike’s rooster blocking will be on his record for approximately 700 life sentances.
0:17 Vinny makes the most ridiculous statement of the night when he tells Deena “next time I might like the girl, so don’t just come in the room and lift up the covers” this statement killed me, last year at the Jersey Shore, he slept with about 2,456 women, I guess he just hasn’t found the right one yet.
0:18 Vinny and Pauley are demanding an apology from Deena, they are clearly not happy about her actions.
0:18 Pauly explains that its time to pull a little prank on Deena. Vinny and Pauly decide that prank should be…………… moving her bed into the family room. Pauly happily shouts “That was the best day of my life” what can I say, Pauly is a simple man.
0:19 Jenny uses the word malicious when she sees Deena’s bed in the family room. There is a 0.00001% chance she knows what malicious means, nonetheless it is, by far, the most intelligent word ever used on the Jersey Shore.
Quick Sidebar: Sitch finds his haircut stylish. Can anybody figure out why this is? It looks like he has a grass divot on top of his head, and most of the time he has stars shaved on his head. Some things I will never understand, like complex physics and Sitchs haircut.
0:22 And we’re back, Deena is now having a panic attack. Jenny just carried the bed back inside her room by herself while Pauly and Vinny sit there in their beds, they look scared. She is clearly the second strongest person in the house.
0:24 Pauly tells Deena that he should have told her she was upset because, “sometimes my jokes are harsh” yea like that time you put Deena’s bed in the family room.
0:25 Sammy tells everyone to “kiss and makeup” they should listen to her, she is an expert on this subject.
0:29 Pauly, Deena, and Snookie are on their way to work, good times to follow for sure.
0:30 Snookie just had this interaction with a co-worker who speaks no English,
Co worker “el pasar” (he’s trying to get past her) I don’t speak English
Snookie “I know, I don’t know what the &$*# you’re saying anytime you talk to me”
Snookie is quickly making friends at work.
0:31 Ron is on the phone with a girl named Hanna, he is explaining to her that she needs to come out to visit him. Just wanted to refresh you, Ron and Sammi got back together last episode, ok?
0:34 Deena and Snookie attempt the always difficult “fit one midget and another slightly taller girl into an oversized garbage bag” the boss was not happy about this
0:35 Snookie and Deena decide that they are not “enjoying” work, so they do what any logical person would do when they are bored at work, they have somebody buy them wine and sneak off to the bathroom to drink it. I think this move has the ability to catch on.
0:38 Snookie and Deena get caught by their boss with the wine, the boss pours it down the drain and snookie says “that was alcohol abuse cuz I could have definitely drank that” she then exclaims that “this job sucks” MTV really dropped the ball on this one, why couldn’t they find Snookie a place to work where she can get drunk at the same time?
0:41 Ron and Sam go on a date
0:46 Vinny tells us that he likes trying to pick up women who speak Italian because “ they are a challenge” you have to love this guys determination, he never takes the easy road.
0:49 Ron and Sam are fighting. Ron leaves the club.
0:50 Sitch has this to say about the night, “ as usual I’m nabbin girls, more than one, I end up nabbin a girl for Pauly, two girls, two guys, sounds like a good time to me” I am the ONLY person who is 99.99% sure he is gay.
0:51 Ronnie goes on a rant about how he doesn’t put women on a pedestal (im really paraphrasing here, but what he said was way too romantic for me to repeat.
0:52 Sitch gets rooster blocked by the girl he brought for Pauly. If you paid close attention to the girls face that was with Sitch. She looked like she was just rescued from a prision camp.
0:53 Ronnie explains that he is about to go “Gully” on Mike. I am not sure what this means but based on the context clues and the fact that he took his jewelry and shirt off, we can only assume that he is going to challenge Sitch to a bodybulding contest.
0:54 Guess I was wrong about the bodybuilding contest cuz Ronnie just picked up the couch Sitch was snoozing on and flipped him off it. He might have just wanted to keep drinking with Sitch and was simply upset he was passing out on the couch, but I could be wrong here.
0:55 Man I was way off, Ronnie just told Sitch that he was going to “^#!* him up” there is still a small chance he was referring to beating him at a bodybuilding contest but it’s getting less likely by the minute.
0:56 Ronnie pulls a Kevin Hart by clapping his hands and yelling “It’s about to go down” I am now 60% certain this is not going to lead to the bodybuilding contest.
0:58 Sammi calls out Sitch for telling her that Ronnie told him he was going to bring home 5 girls the first night they were in Italy. Sitch can’t seem to remember sayin this for some reason even though they flashback to him sayin exactly what he is denying. I am afraid we might have to start calling Sitch, “The Amnesia” from here on out.
0:59 Hide the women and children! Ronnie has now resorted to his patented “remove all of my roommates possessions quickly and messily from the bedroom” maneuver that he perfected last season on Sammi’s possessions.
0:59 “The Amnesia” is now pleading with Ron that, “I don’t get involved your relationships ron, please don’t be irrational now ron” he then proceeds to Hulk out and start screaming at Ron that he doesn’t get involved in his relationship.
0:59 “The Amnesia” still has his shirt on so one can only guess the bodybuilding contest is not an option. “The Amnesia” is now asking Ron to hit him, which is like asking Lindsey Lohan if she wants another beer.
0:59 Vinny, and Deena are seen running towards the bedroom, which has now been transformed into a UFC octagon. Thankfully Deena was smart enough to bring her tiny green stuffed animal with her. We can only assume that she is going to use this to try to break up the fight, but everyone knows you don’t bring a stuffed animal to a fistfight. Rookie mistake.
0:59 Ronnie then quickly jabs “The Amnesia” in the face, picks him up and bodyslams him into the side of the octagon. At this point the show ends, but through round one, I would have to give a slight edge in the fight to Ronnie.
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